1: The One With The Nemean Budgie

February 2017

So everyone got hassled by the mortals who can't handle shit on their own. Jen's gossip friend calls going "oh, my nephews went camping and the water froze and did I mention it was last weekend which was summer, because it was". Prettyboy has a girl student come in and go "I was camping and there was this creepy sound, here's a recording, and I don't know any responsible adults so you'll have to do". (Zoology professor, who has banging legs, identifies the noise as a huge-ass budgerigar.)  Singing dude's lesser singing dude's girlfriend's brother's sheep have been carried off mysteriously.

You got all that so far?

So we all meet up and head out to the mountains. Singing dude's fairy lady told him to bring a bat, because fairy ladies aren't fairy ladies if they're not being ominous and vaguely helpful in a not helpful at all sort of way. Sucks to be us if you meant a mammal bat and not a cricket bat, shouting-at-death fairy lady!

First stop: talk to the family who lost the sheep. No wonder lesser singing dude's sleeping with her; she has fantastic knockers. Huuuuuuuge. And she's nice, I guess. I'm supposed to stay in the van. HA. Like I ever stay in the van. Anyway, in the pasture, there are marks, like a sheep had been dragged along the ground and then lifted up into the air, like maybe a big fuck-off bird had flown off with it. Because he has to show off like that, prettyboy talks to the fence, which is boring because IT'S A FENCE. Confirmation of giant budgie, though, and a bunch of regular-sized budgies with it.

Side note: Jen gave me a magazine that's not a dirty magazine but has shiny pictures and articles that are hilariously trashy. That's why Jen gets a name. Because she's nice to me.

Finding a campsite! Jen had vague coordinates from her friend's nephew and prettyboy had some other vague coordinates from the girl student, so we find a decent campsite sort of halfway between them, and since singing dude has a singing lady who goes camping there's something we can actually cook on with the stupid fire ban going on. Prettyboy's sulking because he doesn't get to be all manly and build a fire and make horrible tea in a horrible tin. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE TEA, PRETTYBOY.

(And then I turned into a possum to mess with Brain, because me and Brain are buds who mess with each other.)

Anyway, Jen is the smartest and went "oh, hey, I have a magic that will let me find the giant budgie. …it's over there!"

And then we Made Plans. They were awful awesome plans.

Sooooo in the clearing was a GIANT BUDGIE that was asleep on a fallen log. Also in the clearing: three larger budgies, cockatoo-size, that I could totally eat except it's not THEIR fault they're magically-warped creatures. And about a thousand regular-sized budgies.

So we enacted THE PLAN.

Which was basically I turned into a net to capture the budgie's wings, prettyboy grapped its head so it couldn't squawk and wake up all the other birds, singing dude smacked it with the bat, and Jen and Brain ran around it with a rope to garrot it.

Mangle mangle mangle death. What. I don't do blow-by-blow. It's boring. Prettyboy snapped its neck. Whatever.

The BEST PART OF THE PLAN happened then, when we decided to send the big, magical-but-not-evil budgies to Amaterasu, because as a gift she can't refuse them, and she'll like them for about a week because they're pretty and unique and then she'll HATE THEM because they're LOUD BASTARDS and she won't be able to get rid of them because THAT WOULD BE RUDE. Best part of the plan.

Oh, and the humans took the Titanstone to the fairy lady who put it in a box of iron and buried it under a warehouse or something. IDK, I was at Amaterasu's place and then in Vegas.


Thus ends the adventure of Jen and Brain, Prettyboy and Singing Dude, and Rupert The Most Awesome Tanuki To Be Awesome.

(Fuck tenses.)



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