2: The One With The Kidnapped Student
February 2017

So I was hanging out with Jen at her work, because magazines are shiny and her work is a hell of a lot more interesting than hanging out at Prettyboy's work, and there was this lady who kept winning awards for enormous produce and THAT WAS SUSPICIOUS. Not that mortals can't make enormous produce, but this was pretty damn enormous vegetables. Carrots the size of your forearm style of thing. Obviously we (and by we, I mean Jen) needed to go and interview her about how the heck she was getting her carrots so damn big and did it work on other organic things too, because if it did she could make a killing.

Prettyboy worked out that Produce Girl was actually Nerd Girl who takes one of his classes and shows up, like, religiously, like it's her job to come to school (which I guess it sort of is, if she's getting money from the government to study) and she hadn't been coming to class for a few days, which was EVEN MORE SUSPICIOUS. And Singing Dude tagged along because those three have ties of Fate now. Spooky. Count me out of being tied up by Fate. I ain't into that kinky shit.

So we ambled on out to St Marys ish where Nerd Produce Girl lived and discovered that yup, she had property with way more healthy crops than she probably should given the summer we'd just had. Jen did a cool magic-y thing and found out there was Fertility magic all over the place. Fertility with a capital Fer, like the Boon, but not like any particular power that the Boon has; just a bunch of Fertility all over, making giant potatoes. Nerd Girl Felicity also had a bunch of magical stuff inside. Some of it was shit and had post-its on it saying "this appears to be shit". Some of it was legit. And she had a wand that was totally legit but I don't think we took it, because we're goody-two-shoes or something.

What's a mortal doing with an actual for real magic wand, anyway?

Anyway, the human-shaped ones figured that she'd been kidnapped, because there was a scuffle or something in the kitchen and tire tracks out the front, and Jen did her "where in the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?" magic to figure out that we had to go to Bankstown, which is the worst.

So off we went to Bankstown, following the magical string that only Jen could see, and it occurs to me that if she wanted to she could probably get the boys to do some really stupid stuff based on "oh, yeah, the magic totally says it's this way" but she's probably too nice to do that.

So Produce Girl Felicity turned out to be locked up in a warehouse. Prettyboy talked to the warehouse because OF COURSE HE DID, I swear he gets on better with buildings than he does with people, and it unlocked its back door for us so we could go in all sneaky-like. And then there was a fight, during which we learned that Jen doesn't bring a knife to a gun fight, she brings a camera to a gun fight; Nerd Produce Girl Felicity knows some sort of karma magic; and I totally have Prettyboy's back when it comes to throwing myself at the face of the guy who was about to shoot him and suffocating him.

So there, Prettyboy.

Turned out there was some sort of cult calling themselves the Seekers of the Aegis, which is just A TOTALLY GREAT-SOUNDING NAME, really, not ominous at all. They were taking Felicity's blood, which again, totally great, not ominous at all. Jen got a bunch of photos and the guys called the cops and an ambulance because apparently getting proper authorities involved is something we do. I don't know. I went off to sit in the van and admire my boyleg underpants at that point.

Next up: who the fuck is abducting people and why the fuck does Felicity have Fertility power but not powers when she's not a Scion? Guess that's a question for Prettyboy to ask! And for me to eavesdrop on with popcorn.

- Thus end the further adventures of Prettyboy, Singing Guy, and Jen, as noted by Rupert the Tanuki

1: The One With The Nemean Budgie
February 2017

So everyone got hassled by the mortals who can't handle shit on their own. Jen's gossip friend calls going "oh, my nephews went camping and the water froze and did I mention it was last weekend which was summer, because it was". Prettyboy has a girl student come in and go "I was camping and there was this creepy sound, here's a recording, and I don't know any responsible adults so you'll have to do". (Zoology professor, who has banging legs, identifies the noise as a huge-ass budgerigar.)  Singing dude's lesser singing dude's girlfriend's brother's sheep have been carried off mysteriously.

You got all that so far?

So we all meet up and head out to the mountains. Singing dude's fairy lady told him to bring a bat, because fairy ladies aren't fairy ladies if they're not being ominous and vaguely helpful in a not helpful at all sort of way. Sucks to be us if you meant a mammal bat and not a cricket bat, shouting-at-death fairy lady!

First stop: talk to the family who lost the sheep. No wonder lesser singing dude's sleeping with her; she has fantastic knockers. Huuuuuuuge. And she's nice, I guess. I'm supposed to stay in the van. HA. Like I ever stay in the van. Anyway, in the pasture, there are marks, like a sheep had been dragged along the ground and then lifted up into the air, like maybe a big fuck-off bird had flown off with it. Because he has to show off like that, prettyboy talks to the fence, which is boring because IT'S A FENCE. Confirmation of giant budgie, though, and a bunch of regular-sized budgies with it.

Side note: Jen gave me a magazine that's not a dirty magazine but has shiny pictures and articles that are hilariously trashy. That's why Jen gets a name. Because she's nice to me.

Finding a campsite! Jen had vague coordinates from her friend's nephew and prettyboy had some other vague coordinates from the girl student, so we find a decent campsite sort of halfway between them, and since singing dude has a singing lady who goes camping there's something we can actually cook on with the stupid fire ban going on. Prettyboy's sulking because he doesn't get to be all manly and build a fire and make horrible tea in a horrible tin. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE TEA, PRETTYBOY.

(And then I turned into a possum to mess with Brain, because me and Brain are buds who mess with each other.)

Anyway, Jen is the smartest and went "oh, hey, I have a magic that will let me find the giant budgie. …it's over there!"

And then we Made Plans. They were awful awesome plans.

Sooooo in the clearing was a GIANT BUDGIE that was asleep on a fallen log. Also in the clearing: three larger budgies, cockatoo-size, that I could totally eat except it's not THEIR fault they're magically-warped creatures. And about a thousand regular-sized budgies.

So we enacted THE PLAN.

Which was basically I turned into a net to capture the budgie's wings, prettyboy grapped its head so it couldn't squawk and wake up all the other birds, singing dude smacked it with the bat, and Jen and Brain ran around it with a rope to garrot it.

Mangle mangle mangle death. What. I don't do blow-by-blow. It's boring. Prettyboy snapped its neck. Whatever.

The BEST PART OF THE PLAN happened then, when we decided to send the big, magical-but-not-evil budgies to Amaterasu, because as a gift she can't refuse them, and she'll like them for about a week because they're pretty and unique and then she'll HATE THEM because they're LOUD BASTARDS and she won't be able to get rid of them because THAT WOULD BE RUDE. Best part of the plan.

Oh, and the humans took the Titanstone to the fairy lady who put it in a box of iron and buried it under a warehouse or something. IDK, I was at Amaterasu's place and then in Vegas.


Thus ends the adventure of Jen and Brain, Prettyboy and Singing Dude, and Rupert The Most Awesome Tanuki To Be Awesome.

(Fuck tenses.)


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