Further Adventures In Exploring The CockKnuckle's Shitty Plot

Ricky the probably-a-Hades-Scion turned Isabella-the-Isis-Scion back into a real girl instead of a statue girl, so that was nice. And then he told Maru that one of the tiny statues inside his mundane reliquary was actually a real person too, and that was creepy. He turned her into a real girl too and she turned out to be a tiny creepy fae from back when the World was young and full of magic and Titanspawn. She calls herself the Doom-sayer. She's nice. Crazy, but nice.

The coma people woke up and got identified. All Scions, which is pretty much what we assumed but it was nice to have some clarification. Turns out Dickheadface had some shit of theirs, so we went off to reclaim it. Also, Baldur's son has been in a coma since he was like eighteen. Messed up, yo.

So we recovered a bunch of Birthrights, some other magical artefacts, a hand that is alive and living with Maru and called Thing, and a bunch of bolverkers who belong to Alexander, the Baldur Scion. Nice people.

Then Dave and Maru tortured Dickheadface a bit and he suicided after a tiny bit of villain monologue but cheated and upset Tanith and now he really needs to be kicked in the face. Apparently he's still alive out there somewhere.

So the next day we went off to search his house in St Ives, and it was awake. The whole place. Which seemed to creep Maru out a bit. The house asked us to find the "her" who woke it up. Then there was some snooping. Dave and Jen found a bottle of magic pomegranate seeds. Jen found a bunch of files with interesting stuff in them, and a magic key that opened the magic door in the kitchen.

Through the door was a basement that was shaped like a tree and full of little cells, so that was great.

We found a baku that Donal tamed by singing to it, and I think it's adopted him now. It led us to a couple of magic prophecy birds, a baby sphinx that has adopted Dave, a creepy Cat Sith, and an angry alfar called Runar, and also the lady who woke up the house.

She's creepy and Maru doesn't trust her. I don't trust her. She's nice but she doesn't know what she is, she has no Legend, she can do Scion stuff but she's not a Scion, and she can heal broken legs in 15 minutes by sharing blood with someone. Creepy.

Tanith doesn't know what she is. Runar does but he wouldn't say. He did tell us that Dickheadface was trying to find more ways to cheat death, and that he did have one ritual but not a great one, and then made Jen promise to take the book with that ritual in it to her dad as soon as she found it, because it's an icky ritual that shouldn't be in the World. Jen didn't want to burn it.

Dave and Maru went and asked the ocean some questions and got bullshit answers, and Maru thinks we might need to kill Ivy. Which is what they're calling the girl who doesn't remember what or who she is and apparently doesn't age.

So that's all fun.

And Caoilfhionn is apparently missing. GREAT.

(Not my problem, though. I'm off investigating All The Pantheons to see if anyone is missing. Tanuki out, bitches.)


I have been slacking off on this because I DON'T GET PAID FOR IT and also I've been busy being creeped out by the visit to the foggy place.

BUT we met new Scions! Dave and Nick. Whose name is probably not actually Nick. Janika? idk, man, I know Japanese names, not Scandinavian ones. But they're pretty cool. Dave knows how to have a good time and Nick is a lot more sensible than most of the hotheads I hang out with so that's nice.

Plus Dave calls Susano'o Susan so that's funny.

Anyway. They all convinced Susano'o to go back to not here after having sex with some lady also called Susan (which, okay, maybe a bit self-involved? Maybe? A bit?) so that more god-babies could happen. Because that's what the world needs, more god-babies.

And then we lured Raphael St Dickheadpants to an island off the coast of Queensland and had an epic smackdown battle that we totally won.

He had a ton of birthrights which is not cool and an ammo belt full of vials of Scion blood which is even less cool so I bamfed everyone back to Sydney and we dumped him in Donal's basement which only exists when Tanith wants it to, and then rescued a bunch of comatose people from a hospital.

Maru broke a heart monitor there, but it seemed pretty happy about it. Lots of beeping.

Anyway. So we figured that the coma people weren't actually in their bodies anymore, and then Caoilfhionn turned out to be a Scion of the Morrigan, because of course she did.

Then escapades in the dreamworld happened and we met Hela. She's nice. I like her. I do not like going to the foggy place. It's not a fun place. But everyone's back in their own bodies and now we have to deal with Raphael St Dickpants and I am going to eat my bodyweight in pizzas and AS A TANUKI THAT IS A LOT OF PIZZA.

10: The One With Maru's Dad
June 2017

Cassie apparently had a dream about Maru's dad being attacked. At least, that's what we figured it meant after poking it for a while. Her dreams are pretty metaphoric, because prophecy is shit like that.

Maru's dad turned out to be incarnated in Brisbane and flying to Brisbane is a pain in the arse, so I took everyone through the step-in-between to cut down on travel time, which I am not willing to do for things that aren't emergencies. Just throwing that out there. And we found him base-jumping off a building he was definitely not allowed to be base-jumping off, because of course we did.


He did not take the threat of being disincarnated or possibly having a Baldur done to him very seriously because of course he didn't, so Jen pinged Raphael St Fuckhead and oh, look at that, he's on his way to Brisbane, so we figured hey, we'll sit tight, use Susano'o as bait because it's not like he gives a damn, and smack the Aegis dude when he's not expecting it. Best plan. Not like any unexpected Scions could happen, right?

9: The One With A Picnic
May 2017

Everyone got invited to Donal's family barbecue. Because Donal's family is the best.

I do not know much about what happened because I was off having fun while everyone else did their thing. Something about one of Donal's sisters dating a wulver? Good for her. Wulvers are good fun. Always have fresh salmon. Buggered if I know where they get it.

Also there's a cousin or something with six kids all at once because his wife is a Scion of Brigid and she's all about fertility? Which is nice and all, but geez, lady, dial it down a bit. Spread it out. Bet his wife's pissy about that one.

Anyway. It was nice. Nice and low-drama. Good fun. Lots of alcohol. Maru introduced the Irish-Australians to sake and they thought it was GREAT. Jen kept trying to hook him up with people and it didn't work. Because Maru hates fun.

8: The One With Drinks With A Prophet
May 2017

So I might be getting these in the wrong order a bit. I was super drunk for a lot of this, okay. Not my fault. It's fine.

Anyway. I'm not mad at Maru anymore.

So after they got back from The Questing, which took a surprisingly normal amount of time (and I am SUSPICIOUS of that, because Questing never takes a normal amount of time unless it's going to come back and bite you in the arse later. Looking at you, shikome whose rib we have) everyone headed off to the tear in the Veil and found a lady there.

Not, like, a supernatural lady. Totally mortal. Except she was doing ritual-y stuff that was actually working, not like the stuff that most mortals who think they're doing ritual-y stuff do, so that was weird. And her name's Cassie.  And she dreams things. Totally not abnormal, guys.

Anyway. They made friends with her and took her out for drinks after the tear got sewn up and talked to her about the dreams she has, and she said she could bring over her dream diary, which was nice. Of her. The dream diary isn't nice. It has recurring fire-and-death dreams. Those aren't nice at all.

Then there was dinner at Donal's place because for some reason it's always at Donal's place and Maru and me talked. I don't want to get into it in writing okay. It's fine. We're good.

7: The One with BETRAYAL. And Adventures In Different Worlds, I Guess
April 2017

So Tanith's advice was basically that we needed to go on a quest.

Well, that THEY needed to go on a quest, but I go where Dickhead Believes In Selling People goes since his father saddled me with him, which is apparently not something he appreciates at all. Which is fine. I like Jen and Donal better anyway.

Tanith loaded everyone up with supplies just in case The Questing took a long time, because they had to go to Thoth's realm first to find out HOW to mend a tear in the Veil, and then probably go to all sorts of other places to get the actual mending stuff, because that's how Questing works. It's not simple. And then she opened the basement door and we went into Thoth's Domain, which is basically the Platonic Ideal of the Nile Delta. Lots of little islands of knowledge in the Knowledge-Nile, which was also full of crocodiles. Which might also have been full of knowledge. We didn't check.

Eventually, after Sticks His Nose Into Everyone's Business But His Own kept poking Jen about talking to her father, we found the Golden Ibis who was apparently a guardian of the realm. It seemed friendly. Donal gave it a container of prawns that Tanith had packed just in case and it told us how to mend the rift; we needed a needle from Izanami's handmaidens, and a thread from the goblin markets that could stitch together dreams and rainbows.

It's not a metaphor, which makes it even more annoying.

So from there we went on into a tiny little pitch-black cave that led to Yomi, which is sad and boring and luckily for us we didn't actually have to talk to Izanami this time. She doesn't like dudes and we're kind of 75 per cent dudes. One of the shikome found us and she seemed nice enough. Kind of creepy. Entirely too willing to pull out her own rib when she found out we needed one of her "needles" because APPARENTLY THAT IS WHAT THAT MEANT. Ew. We made Hypocrite McWankerface carry it.

From there, we left Yomi and found Tir Na Nog, because all the realms connect sooner or later and we had denizens helping us find doorways, which is always helpful. The goblin market was nice and shiny. Jen bought some dream-fabric that changes colour and texture to be whatever she wants it to be. Donal traded for the thread that we needed, and then he and Jen bought pets from the pet stall; Jen has a moon rabbit and Donal has a sunbird.

And we found out that SOMEONE thinks it's cool to try to trade someone who DOESN'T DAMN WELL BELONG TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, like slavery is a THING, so that's cool. Nice useful bit of information there. Good to know.


And then we went home and I am not talking to Sells His Allies right now except in swears.

6: The One With Too Many Teenagers
April 2017

So Ricky-the-maybe-a-Scion and his mum got invited over to Donal's place and nobody told Donal about this, because it's more fun that way. Donal finangled some sort of carry-shit-around apprenticeship thing for him because he's a fan of the band and keeing around a maybe-a-Scion to keep an eye on him is PROBABLY a good idea. Some pointed questions got asked about his father, who was apparently called Harry and gave his mum lots of presents but never stuck around. She didn't seem too bothered by that. Nothing conclusive, because that would be EASY.

So Maru invited them to come tour Sydney University and the kid can apparently tell how old stone carvings are or something like that? I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. He didn't seem all that surprised when Maru dropped the "by the way you might be a Scion" news on his head, though. No Visitation, which is weird and Not Good News. (How is he accessing powers if his dad didn't give him a Birthright? Questions. I do not like these questions.)

He pointed the gang to the claypit he does his sculpting at and they went investigating and found a big old rift into Death. THIS IS NOT GOOD. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF GOOD. THE VEIL IS THERE FOR A REASON, PEOPLE. And a couple of other people had been around it, so the gang went investigating and discovered a couple of kids about Ricky's age who'd been hanging around; a girl called Helena Dean who lives in Blacktown and a boy called Ling Yu who lives in Penrith. They have Death all over them. It's freaky.

So the plan ended up being that we'd ask Tanith what to do because FUCK. FUCKING RIFT INTO DEATH, LEAKING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE.


5: The One With Dinner
April 2017

Status report: Donnie's still unconscious, because he's massively hecked up.

So post-rescue of the probably-a-Scion, everyone figured that hey, they should probably check on the Scions that they know come to Sydney sometimes. The other Scions didn't live in Sydney, but they stopped in and out, so they could have been targets of the stupid cult of whatever, right? So, as follows:

Isaac Seuss, Scion of Isis, appeared to be MIA. Whoops.

Cuckoo Lane, Scion of Lugh, overseas at the moment. Plus, super hardcore. Probably fine.

Maurice Corbin, Scion of the Morrigan, currently in Sydney. Jen called and got an invitation to dinner the next day.

And then asked if "people like us" can get married. Jen, you are a perfectly nice girl and you have become mysteriously prettier; you could totally get married if you want to.

Anyway. The dudes and lady went to dinner the next day, after making me stand watch duty ALL DAY WITH NOTHING ELSE TO DO (his wifey is nice. She brought me pancakes) and had a chat about the shit that was going down. Conclusion: Morrie and his wifey were fine, Isaac is probably dead, Morrie is going to go interstate to check on some other Scions. Australian Scions unite?

And then one of Jen's workmates went "hey, my son has been acting weird and suddenly has a lot more money than he should, what's up with that" and Jen decided the best thing to do was have them both come to Donal's house. It'll be GREAT.



so when the guys and Jen went to investigate Isaac's flat, they found a) his neighbours had a big case of "oh, that guy? Sure, he's a guy"; b) a statue in the shape of Isaac's sister Isabel; c) an orb of don't-look-here. Creepy as shit. Also signs of a struggle, so whoever it is that can go "this happened here" went "this happened here" and figured that someone attacked, threw magic at Isabel, and took Isaac away.

So the don't-look-here orb has been left there for now and Isabel is at Maru's place for safe-keeping, with proper clothes on.

4: The One With The Beauty Spa
March 2017



Okay, okay, going back to explain.

So we figured that Donnie wasn't wherever he was willingly, because he wasn't moving around much (maybe a couple of metres) and most people move around more than that, unless they're hardcore gamers or something, and I feel like Fertility Felicity would have told us that. We looked up the location he was on Google Maps and look at that, it was a beauty spa. Or a "rejuvenation clinic", anyway, where Evil Creepy Doctor Lady works.

So the plan was that Terrifyingly Hot Fairy Lady would make everyone look like not-them and they'd book appointments so they could go snoop. And then Maru told me that I could turn into a sexy lady and be his arm candy! Best day ever.

I think we forgot the plan a bit, because when we got there he was totally useless and I had to choose our appointments (and get called Rupinette, which is the worst) and since I didn't want to go for the freaky stuff, I figured hey, a nice massage, right?

I forgot you get naked for massage, okay.

Anyway, while we were being completely awkward, Jen and Donal made a much better appointment to get manicures, because they both looked like ladies and ladies get manicures, and then Jen went "oh whoops I need to pee" and sneaked off to the bathroom, around the same time Maru did because naked massages are awkward even if there are robes involved. He's not good at people, okay.

They headed upstairs where Jen could tell Donnie was and were very, very sneaky (which I did not know they could do, honestly) and found where he was. It was not pretty. Lots of sedatives and experiment-looking shit. Not cool, guys. Not cool.)

And then I got to be a distraction! The fire alarm got set off and then I got to run around the place being a naked mud-covered tanuki while Maru sneaked the unconscious guy out the back and Donal and Jen brought the van around.

Best. Day. Ever.

And then we left Unconscious Donnie with one of Donal's Irish Ladies who is apparently a doctor and took a bunch of the berserkers off to run a raid on Raphael St Claire's house.

It did not go well. Dude has magic somehow. What the fuck. Nobody got hurt, but he said "hey, you all should leave" and Jen and Donal felt like leaving. And then he just warped space away from Maru in a fight. Who does that.

Thus ends this chapter of The Adventures Of Us.

3: The One With Drinks And Karaoke (And Also Being Spied On)
March 2017

Okay, okay, I know I've been slack about writing The Thrilling Adventures of Rupert and Jen and Those Guys Who Tag Along With Us. I've had stuff to do. Important tanuki stuff.

Prettyboy finally talked to Felicity the Fertility Girl about what the heck was going on, and she said that she was studying magic to try to find out what happened to her boyfriend, Donovan Solaris, because THAT'S not a significant name or anything. Apparently he got involved with a group calling themselves the Seeker of the Aegis a few years ago, whose leader is called Raphael St Claire, and we know… not very much about them, actually. Except that they're apparently maybe responsible for this Donovan guy going missing and are definitely responsible for Felicity's abduction, so that's bad.

So the next important thing that happened was Jen got her story about cultists kidnapping people and doing creepy things with their blood published in a for real newspaper for actual money, and the newspaper guy gave her his card and not in a sleazy way. So she invited the boys out and we all went to a bar in Leichhardt to celebrate.

Jen can't hold her alcohol very well. Just fyi.

After drinking there was karaoke. And after karaoke everyone went "what the heck, someone is watching us" because apparently they're more observant when they're drunk.

Watching-person was holed up in a building that had a handy view of Jen's place, which is not cool. No spying on Jen, creepy dudes and ladies. Everyone failed at being sneaky after picking the lock and the guy went out the back door, but singing dude had gone around the back and sneak punched him into submission. Good for singing dude.

Guy had a false tooth with cyanide in it. Who does that?

Guy also had a mobile phone with a randomised number passcode that yours truly solved because tanuki are very good at maths. And we discovered a CONSPIRARY. A conspiracy to spy. And also that someone was going to be heading over soon, so a trap was laid and a lady was captured.

Lady was creepy, for the record. All "rah rah Scions think they're better than us so let's wipe them out", like that ever ends well. Obviously a Seeker. Also a doctor of some sort which just makes her creepier. Evil doctors. Ick. She wasn't super helpful, so Jen tagged her with her "I know where you are" power and she got let go, because this group isn't the sort of group who kills tied up enemies, which I approve of. (Shut up. I can approve of good things.)

Then everyone went to sleep, because it was late and they were drunk.

(I did not go to sleep. I did more important tanuki stuff.)

The next day, everyone headed over to singing dude's place to have a council of war. Plans got drawn up, which were that Jen would tag Donnie with her "I know where you are" power to see if he was hanging out with Doctor Lady in St Leonard's or if he was just hanging out in St Leonard's ALL THE TIME which would probably indicate that he's a prisoner.

(Or dead. Does the tag work on dead people? I should ask Jen that. In a way that won't upset her.)

And then we stopped for breakfast that Hot Fairy Chick made and it was a cliffhanger. Cliffhanger is tradition, yo.


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