Bravos

7: The One with BETRAYAL. And Adventures In Different Worlds, I Guess
April 2017

So Tanith's advice was basically that we needed to go on a quest.

Well, that THEY needed to go on a quest, but I go where Dickhead Believes In Selling People goes since his father saddled me with him, which is apparently not something he appreciates at all. Which is fine. I like Jen and Donal better anyway.

Tanith loaded everyone up with supplies just in case The Questing took a long time, because they had to go to Thoth's realm first to find out HOW to mend a tear in the Veil, and then probably go to all sorts of other places to get the actual mending stuff, because that's how Questing works. It's not simple. And then she opened the basement door and we went into Thoth's Domain, which is basically the Platonic Ideal of the Nile Delta. Lots of little islands of knowledge in the Knowledge-Nile, which was also full of crocodiles. Which might also have been full of knowledge. We didn't check.

Eventually, after Sticks His Nose Into Everyone's Business But His Own kept poking Jen about talking to her father, we found the Golden Ibis who was apparently a guardian of the realm. It seemed friendly. Donal gave it a container of prawns that Tanith had packed just in case and it told us how to mend the rift; we needed a needle from Izanami's handmaidens, and a thread from the goblin markets that could stitch together dreams and rainbows.

It's not a metaphor, which makes it even more annoying.

So from there we went on into a tiny little pitch-black cave that led to Yomi, which is sad and boring and luckily for us we didn't actually have to talk to Izanami this time. She doesn't like dudes and we're kind of 75 per cent dudes. One of the shikome found us and she seemed nice enough. Kind of creepy. Entirely too willing to pull out her own rib when she found out we needed one of her "needles" because APPARENTLY THAT IS WHAT THAT MEANT. Ew. We made Hypocrite McWankerface carry it.

From there, we left Yomi and found Tir Na Nog, because all the realms connect sooner or later and we had denizens helping us find doorways, which is always helpful. The goblin market was nice and shiny. Jen bought some dream-fabric that changes colour and texture to be whatever she wants it to be. Donal traded for the thread that we needed, and then he and Jen bought pets from the pet stall; Jen has a moon rabbit and Donal has a sunbird.

And we found out that SOMEONE thinks it's cool to try to trade someone who DOESN'T DAMN WELL BELONG TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, like slavery is a THING, so that's cool. Nice useful bit of information there. Good to know.

Dickhead.

And then we went home and I am not talking to Sells His Allies right now except in swears.

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6: The One With Too Many Teenagers
April 2017

So Ricky-the-maybe-a-Scion and his mum got invited over to Donal's place and nobody told Donal about this, because it's more fun that way. Donal finangled some sort of carry-shit-around apprenticeship thing for him because he's a fan of the band and keeing around a maybe-a-Scion to keep an eye on him is PROBABLY a good idea. Some pointed questions got asked about his father, who was apparently called Harry and gave his mum lots of presents but never stuck around. She didn't seem too bothered by that. Nothing conclusive, because that would be EASY.

So Maru invited them to come tour Sydney University and the kid can apparently tell how old stone carvings are or something like that? I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. He didn't seem all that surprised when Maru dropped the "by the way you might be a Scion" news on his head, though. No Visitation, which is weird and Not Good News. (How is he accessing powers if his dad didn't give him a Birthright? Questions. I do not like these questions.)

He pointed the gang to the claypit he does his sculpting at and they went investigating and found a big old rift into Death. THIS IS NOT GOOD. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF GOOD. THE VEIL IS THERE FOR A REASON, PEOPLE. And a couple of other people had been around it, so the gang went investigating and discovered a couple of kids about Ricky's age who'd been hanging around; a girl called Helena Dean who lives in Blacktown and a boy called Ling Yu who lives in Penrith. They have Death all over them. It's freaky.

So the plan ended up being that we'd ask Tanith what to do because FUCK. FUCKING RIFT INTO DEATH, LEAKING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

FREAKED-OUT TANUKI OUT.

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5: The One With Dinner
April 2017

Status report: Donnie's still unconscious, because he's massively hecked up.

So post-rescue of the probably-a-Scion, everyone figured that hey, they should probably check on the Scions that they know come to Sydney sometimes. The other Scions didn't live in Sydney, but they stopped in and out, so they could have been targets of the stupid cult of whatever, right? So, as follows:

Isaac Seuss, Scion of Isis, appeared to be MIA. Whoops.

Cuckoo Lane, Scion of Lugh, overseas at the moment. Plus, super hardcore. Probably fine.

Maurice Corbin, Scion of the Morrigan, currently in Sydney. Jen called and got an invitation to dinner the next day.

And then asked if "people like us" can get married. Jen, you are a perfectly nice girl and you have become mysteriously prettier; you could totally get married if you want to.

Anyway. The dudes and lady went to dinner the next day, after making me stand watch duty ALL DAY WITH NOTHING ELSE TO DO (his wifey is nice. She brought me pancakes) and had a chat about the shit that was going down. Conclusion: Morrie and his wifey were fine, Isaac is probably dead, Morrie is going to go interstate to check on some other Scions. Australian Scions unite?

And then one of Jen's workmates went "hey, my son has been acting weird and suddenly has a lot more money than he should, what's up with that" and Jen decided the best thing to do was have them both come to Donal's house. It'll be GREAT.

 

EDITED BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET THE TANUKI TO WRITE YOUR REPORTS, YOU GET THINGS MISSED.

so when the guys and Jen went to investigate Isaac's flat, they found a) his neighbours had a big case of "oh, that guy? Sure, he's a guy"; b) a statue in the shape of Isaac's sister Isabel; c) an orb of don't-look-here. Creepy as shit. Also signs of a struggle, so whoever it is that can go "this happened here" went "this happened here" and figured that someone attacked, threw magic at Isabel, and took Isaac away.

So the don't-look-here orb has been left there for now and Isabel is at Maru's place for safe-keeping, with proper clothes on.

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4: The One With The Beauty Spa
March 2017

THE PLAN.

THE PLAN INVOLVED ME TURNING INTO A HOT CHICK AND BEING MARU'S DATE AT THE BEAUTY SPA.

Okay, okay, going back to explain.

So we figured that Donnie wasn't wherever he was willingly, because he wasn't moving around much (maybe a couple of metres) and most people move around more than that, unless they're hardcore gamers or something, and I feel like Fertility Felicity would have told us that. We looked up the location he was on Google Maps and look at that, it was a beauty spa. Or a "rejuvenation clinic", anyway, where Evil Creepy Doctor Lady works.

So the plan was that Terrifyingly Hot Fairy Lady would make everyone look like not-them and they'd book appointments so they could go snoop. And then Maru told me that I could turn into a sexy lady and be his arm candy! Best day ever.

I think we forgot the plan a bit, because when we got there he was totally useless and I had to choose our appointments (and get called Rupinette, which is the worst) and since I didn't want to go for the freaky stuff, I figured hey, a nice massage, right?

I forgot you get naked for massage, okay.

Anyway, while we were being completely awkward, Jen and Donal made a much better appointment to get manicures, because they both looked like ladies and ladies get manicures, and then Jen went "oh whoops I need to pee" and sneaked off to the bathroom, around the same time Maru did because naked massages are awkward even if there are robes involved. He's not good at people, okay.

They headed upstairs where Jen could tell Donnie was and were very, very sneaky (which I did not know they could do, honestly) and found where he was. It was not pretty. Lots of sedatives and experiment-looking shit. Not cool, guys. Not cool.)

And then I got to be a distraction! The fire alarm got set off and then I got to run around the place being a naked mud-covered tanuki while Maru sneaked the unconscious guy out the back and Donal and Jen brought the van around.

Best. Day. Ever.

And then we left Unconscious Donnie with one of Donal's Irish Ladies who is apparently a doctor and took a bunch of the berserkers off to run a raid on Raphael St Claire's house.

It did not go well. Dude has magic somehow. What the fuck. Nobody got hurt, but he said "hey, you all should leave" and Jen and Donal felt like leaving. And then he just warped space away from Maru in a fight. Who does that.

Thus ends this chapter of The Adventures Of Us.

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3: The One With Drinks And Karaoke (And Also Being Spied On)
March 2017

Okay, okay, I know I've been slack about writing The Thrilling Adventures of Rupert and Jen and Those Guys Who Tag Along With Us. I've had stuff to do. Important tanuki stuff.

Prettyboy finally talked to Felicity the Fertility Girl about what the heck was going on, and she said that she was studying magic to try to find out what happened to her boyfriend, Donovan Solaris, because THAT'S not a significant name or anything. Apparently he got involved with a group calling themselves the Seeker of the Aegis a few years ago, whose leader is called Raphael St Claire, and we know… not very much about them, actually. Except that they're apparently maybe responsible for this Donovan guy going missing and are definitely responsible for Felicity's abduction, so that's bad.

So the next important thing that happened was Jen got her story about cultists kidnapping people and doing creepy things with their blood published in a for real newspaper for actual money, and the newspaper guy gave her his card and not in a sleazy way. So she invited the boys out and we all went to a bar in Leichhardt to celebrate.

Jen can't hold her alcohol very well. Just fyi.

After drinking there was karaoke. And after karaoke everyone went "what the heck, someone is watching us" because apparently they're more observant when they're drunk.

Watching-person was holed up in a building that had a handy view of Jen's place, which is not cool. No spying on Jen, creepy dudes and ladies. Everyone failed at being sneaky after picking the lock and the guy went out the back door, but singing dude had gone around the back and sneak punched him into submission. Good for singing dude.

Guy had a false tooth with cyanide in it. Who does that?

Guy also had a mobile phone with a randomised number passcode that yours truly solved because tanuki are very good at maths. And we discovered a CONSPIRARY. A conspiracy to spy. And also that someone was going to be heading over soon, so a trap was laid and a lady was captured.

Lady was creepy, for the record. All "rah rah Scions think they're better than us so let's wipe them out", like that ever ends well. Obviously a Seeker. Also a doctor of some sort which just makes her creepier. Evil doctors. Ick. She wasn't super helpful, so Jen tagged her with her "I know where you are" power and she got let go, because this group isn't the sort of group who kills tied up enemies, which I approve of. (Shut up. I can approve of good things.)

Then everyone went to sleep, because it was late and they were drunk.

(I did not go to sleep. I did more important tanuki stuff.)

The next day, everyone headed over to singing dude's place to have a council of war. Plans got drawn up, which were that Jen would tag Donnie with her "I know where you are" power to see if he was hanging out with Doctor Lady in St Leonard's or if he was just hanging out in St Leonard's ALL THE TIME which would probably indicate that he's a prisoner.

(Or dead. Does the tag work on dead people? I should ask Jen that. In a way that won't upset her.)

And then we stopped for breakfast that Hot Fairy Chick made and it was a cliffhanger. Cliffhanger is tradition, yo.

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2: The One With The Kidnapped Student
February 2017

So I was hanging out with Jen at her work, because magazines are shiny and her work is a hell of a lot more interesting than hanging out at Prettyboy's work, and there was this lady who kept winning awards for enormous produce and THAT WAS SUSPICIOUS. Not that mortals can't make enormous produce, but this was pretty damn enormous vegetables. Carrots the size of your forearm style of thing. Obviously we (and by we, I mean Jen) needed to go and interview her about how the heck she was getting her carrots so damn big and did it work on other organic things too, because if it did she could make a killing.

Prettyboy worked out that Produce Girl was actually Nerd Girl who takes one of his classes and shows up, like, religiously, like it's her job to come to school (which I guess it sort of is, if she's getting money from the government to study) and she hadn't been coming to class for a few days, which was EVEN MORE SUSPICIOUS. And Singing Dude tagged along because those three have ties of Fate now. Spooky. Count me out of being tied up by Fate. I ain't into that kinky shit.

So we ambled on out to St Marys ish where Nerd Produce Girl lived and discovered that yup, she had property with way more healthy crops than she probably should given the summer we'd just had. Jen did a cool magic-y thing and found out there was Fertility magic all over the place. Fertility with a capital Fer, like the Boon, but not like any particular power that the Boon has; just a bunch of Fertility all over, making giant potatoes. Nerd Girl Felicity also had a bunch of magical stuff inside. Some of it was shit and had post-its on it saying "this appears to be shit". Some of it was legit. And she had a wand that was totally legit but I don't think we took it, because we're goody-two-shoes or something.

What's a mortal doing with an actual for real magic wand, anyway?

Anyway, the human-shaped ones figured that she'd been kidnapped, because there was a scuffle or something in the kitchen and tire tracks out the front, and Jen did her "where in the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?" magic to figure out that we had to go to Bankstown, which is the worst.

So off we went to Bankstown, following the magical string that only Jen could see, and it occurs to me that if she wanted to she could probably get the boys to do some really stupid stuff based on "oh, yeah, the magic totally says it's this way" but she's probably too nice to do that.

So Produce Girl Felicity turned out to be locked up in a warehouse. Prettyboy talked to the warehouse because OF COURSE HE DID, I swear he gets on better with buildings than he does with people, and it unlocked its back door for us so we could go in all sneaky-like. And then there was a fight, during which we learned that Jen doesn't bring a knife to a gun fight, she brings a camera to a gun fight; Nerd Produce Girl Felicity knows some sort of karma magic; and I totally have Prettyboy's back when it comes to throwing myself at the face of the guy who was about to shoot him and suffocating him.

So there, Prettyboy.

Turned out there was some sort of cult calling themselves the Seekers of the Aegis, which is just A TOTALLY GREAT-SOUNDING NAME, really, not ominous at all. They were taking Felicity's blood, which again, totally great, not ominous at all. Jen got a bunch of photos and the guys called the cops and an ambulance because apparently getting proper authorities involved is something we do. I don't know. I went off to sit in the van and admire my boyleg underpants at that point.

Next up: who the fuck is abducting people and why the fuck does Felicity have Fertility power but not powers when she's not a Scion? Guess that's a question for Prettyboy to ask! And for me to eavesdrop on with popcorn.

- Thus end the further adventures of Prettyboy, Singing Guy, and Jen, as noted by Rupert the Tanuki

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1: The One With The Nemean Budgie
February 2017

So everyone got hassled by the mortals who can't handle shit on their own. Jen's gossip friend calls going "oh, my nephews went camping and the water froze and did I mention it was last weekend which was summer, because it was". Prettyboy has a girl student come in and go "I was camping and there was this creepy sound, here's a recording, and I don't know any responsible adults so you'll have to do". (Zoology professor, who has banging legs, identifies the noise as a huge-ass budgerigar.)  Singing dude's lesser singing dude's girlfriend's brother's sheep have been carried off mysteriously.

You got all that so far?

So we all meet up and head out to the mountains. Singing dude's fairy lady told him to bring a bat, because fairy ladies aren't fairy ladies if they're not being ominous and vaguely helpful in a not helpful at all sort of way. Sucks to be us if you meant a mammal bat and not a cricket bat, shouting-at-death fairy lady!

First stop: talk to the family who lost the sheep. No wonder lesser singing dude's sleeping with her; she has fantastic knockers. Huuuuuuuge. And she's nice, I guess. I'm supposed to stay in the van. HA. Like I ever stay in the van. Anyway, in the pasture, there are marks, like a sheep had been dragged along the ground and then lifted up into the air, like maybe a big fuck-off bird had flown off with it. Because he has to show off like that, prettyboy talks to the fence, which is boring because IT'S A FENCE. Confirmation of giant budgie, though, and a bunch of regular-sized budgies with it.

Side note: Jen gave me a magazine that's not a dirty magazine but has shiny pictures and articles that are hilariously trashy. That's why Jen gets a name. Because she's nice to me.

Finding a campsite! Jen had vague coordinates from her friend's nephew and prettyboy had some other vague coordinates from the girl student, so we find a decent campsite sort of halfway between them, and since singing dude has a singing lady who goes camping there's something we can actually cook on with the stupid fire ban going on. Prettyboy's sulking because he doesn't get to be all manly and build a fire and make horrible tea in a horrible tin. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE TEA, PRETTYBOY.

(And then I turned into a possum to mess with Brain, because me and Brain are buds who mess with each other.)

Anyway, Jen is the smartest and went "oh, hey, I have a magic that will let me find the giant budgie. …it's over there!"

And then we Made Plans. They were awful awesome plans.

Sooooo in the clearing was a GIANT BUDGIE that was asleep on a fallen log. Also in the clearing: three larger budgies, cockatoo-size, that I could totally eat except it's not THEIR fault they're magically-warped creatures. And about a thousand regular-sized budgies.

So we enacted THE PLAN.

Which was basically I turned into a net to capture the budgie's wings, prettyboy grapped its head so it couldn't squawk and wake up all the other birds, singing dude smacked it with the bat, and Jen and Brain ran around it with a rope to garrot it.

Mangle mangle mangle death. What. I don't do blow-by-blow. It's boring. Prettyboy snapped its neck. Whatever.

The BEST PART OF THE PLAN happened then, when we decided to send the big, magical-but-not-evil budgies to Amaterasu, because as a gift she can't refuse them, and she'll like them for about a week because they're pretty and unique and then she'll HATE THEM because they're LOUD BASTARDS and she won't be able to get rid of them because THAT WOULD BE RUDE. Best part of the plan.

Oh, and the humans took the Titanstone to the fairy lady who put it in a box of iron and buried it under a warehouse or something. IDK, I was at Amaterasu's place and then in Vegas.

 

Thus ends the adventure of Jen and Brain, Prettyboy and Singing Dude, and Rupert The Most Awesome Tanuki To Be Awesome.

(Fuck tenses.)

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